Say Goodbye
by Koros
Summary: Various plots abound to torture both Edward Elric and Roy Mustang...
1. Chapter 1

**DISCLAIMER: **I own nothing.

**AUTHOR NOTE**: I know that the first chaper is short, and not all that funny, but bear with me. Try out the second chapter before passing too much judgement. Please review, it fills my heart with joy.

**CHAPTER 1**

"Goodbye, Bastard!" Ed waved merrily, wide grin on his face. "Have fun with all your paperwork!" He started out the door, but Mustang's voice behind him made him pause.

"I cannot accept your resignation, Fullmetal."

Ed slowly turned around. Mustang had a sly look on his face, and suddenly Ed had a bad feeling. "I served my time, Mustang. You can't keep me in the military."

"Oh, but I believe I can. Have you looked closely at Section 17, Clause D?" Mustang tossed Ed a copy of the enlistment papers.

Feeling a bit of trepidation, Ed skimmed down to Section 17. When he reached Clause D, he paused and read again, more carefully. "D: Should the recruit show particular skill or ability in an area that is necessary to the military but cannot be readily replaced by another member of the military, this contract may be extended until such time as another can be trained to provide the same level of service as said soldier." After a moment, Ed's head went up, glaring at Mustang. "You Bastard!"

"I didn't write the enrollment papers, Fullmetal. However, because of your unique abilities, the Furher does not want to let you go."

"I swear I'll get you for this, Mustang!"


	2. Chapter 2

**DISCLAIMER:** I don't have the brain-power to create FMA.

**AUTHOR NOTE:** Now it actually starts... please review, it makes me happy.

**CHAPTER 2**

"Lieutenant Havoc, could I speak with you for a moment?" Hawkeye asked.

Havoc blinked. "Uh, sure Lieutenant. What can I help you with?"

"Would you like to get revenge on the Colonel?"

A slow grin starts to form. "What do I have to do?"

"I need you to find a priest…"

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"Edward."

"Yes, Hawkeye? Do you want something?"

"Would you like to get revenge on the Colonel?"

"Do you really need to ask?"

"When I tell you to, I need you to…"

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The next day, when Roy came in to his office, he was greeted with the usual paperwork, courtesy of Hawkeye. "These need to be signed today, sir." She said, hand dangerously close to her gun.

With a mental sigh, Roy started in on the boring duty, as usual never paying attention to anything he signed. As long as they get signed, did they really HAVE to be read?

Little did he know that Hawkeye was keeping track of how far down in the stack he got. When he reached a certain point, she gave the signal to Ed.

CRASH!

Roy started as someone burst through his window, and reached immediately for his gloves—

THWAP!

--and fell unconscious.

Ed looked slightly disappointed as Hawkeye came in. "That's all? What kind of revenge is this? I mean, it IS fun hitting him over the head, but…"

Hawkeye looked at him disapprovingly. "This is just the beginning, have some patience, Edward." She started sorting through the stack that Mustang had already signed, looking for some specific papers. When she found them, Hawkeye smiled smugly and showed them to Ed.

Ed was puzzled until he looked closely. Then he gaped. "What the hell? He just SIGNED that?"

Hawkeye was practically on Cloud Nine. "The Colonel never checks what he's signing. You're almost as bad, Edward."

Ed sobered a bit. "But this—this--- oh, this is perfect, Hawkeye. Just perfect."

"I think so, too." She replied, and they both smiled maliciously at each other. "Help me carry him out to the car. Havoc's driving…"


	3. Chapter 3

**DISCLAIMER:** ... who here actually thinks I own FMA? crickets chirp

**AUTHOR NOTE**: apperantly my second chapter's not showing up too well... arg. Oh well, enjoy chapter three. A lot of you probably figured it out already, didn't you:P Please read and review.

**CHAPTER 3**

When Roy Mustang woke up, he was bound hand and foot to a chair, gagged, and blindfolded. Also, for some strange reason, he had a massive headache…

"He's awake." Ed stated, the delight in his voice evident.

"Fuwawer?" Mustang garbled.

"Ah, Boss, I think it would be more excruciating if he could see what he's gotten himself into…"

"Why not?" mused Ed.

When the blindfold came off, Mustang looked around. He was in a…. church? What the hell? Fullmetal and Havoc were sitting in the pews to his left, looking FAR too smug. Glancing around, he noticed a priest standing a little ways off to his right. What was…?

Suddenly, organ music began to play. It was… THE WEDDING MARCH!

Mustang's eyes widened and he began to struggle. "Ooganu! Mnugitinmarud!"

Hawkeye walked down the isle, still in uniform, and instead of a bouquet of flowers she had a shotgun. She offered Roy a tight smile when she reached the altar. _Thank God_, Roy thought. _At least the horrid music's stopped._

"Are you sure about this?" the priest asked. "He doesn't look willing…"

"You saw the marriage papers he signed." Ed argued. "And he's only tied to a chair because of medical reasons."

_MEDICAL REASONS!_ Roy was fuming. If only he had his gloves on…

The priest still looked unsure, but he started the ceremony anyway. "We are gathered here today…"

Thus Roy Mustang sat tied up, unable to move or even scratch an itch, for a very long, very boring wedding ceremony.

"…in sickness and in health, until death do you part?" the priest looked at him expectantly.

He was going to shake his head, he really was! That is, until Hawkeye showed him her shotgun up close, and he found himself nodding his head before he knew it. The priest then repeated the horrible dirge to Hawkeye.

"I do," she stated grimly.

"Then I pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride." As the priest turned away, Roy swore he heard him mutter, "Damn, I need a beer." But then Hawkeye pecked him chastely on the lips. Then what he heard Hawkeye say next made him even more unhappy, if that was even possible.

"Sir, rule number one: No sex. Or I will shoot you. Rule number two: You will obey my every command. Or I will shoot you. Rule number three: No filing for divorce. Or I will shoot you…"


	4. Chapter 4

**Thank you: **Livalittle, fmafan-92, Feral Alchemist, blade assassin, Sniper Hawkeye, ILUVED **For Reviewing! If I forgot someone, I'm sorry.**

**AN: **Congrats to blade assassin for figuring out my plot. Also, fmafan-92 has a point when they say my chapters could be longer. I agree. I even tried/cries/ I can't help myself, I can't make them too long/wail/ The best I can to compensate for this HORRID flaw is write more faster! So, I'll try to get out more chapters faster, alright? Sorry.

**CHAPTER 4**

Havoc was undeniably pleased. Pleased beyond the bounds of reason.

Mustang could no longer steal his girlfriends.

And, with sex being denied by Hawkeye at every turn, Mustang was suffering Severe Sex Withdrawal. This resulted in Mustang becoming more and more irritable and 'snap-happy'.

"I don't think he's going to survive much longer if this keeps up," remarked Ed, lurking outside Mustang's office with Havoc, peeking in once in a while to observe their suffering superior.

"What do ya mean?"

"Well, let me put it in perspective for you…" said Ed slowly. "Pretend for a moment that you had to quit smoking. If you smoked one more cigarette, you would die."

Havoc blinked.

"Now, imagine that half the people you see, for the rest of your life, has a couple of packs of cigarettes attached to the front of their shirt, and they would share with you if only you asked them. In fact, most of the time you don't even HAVE to ask, they'll offer you some! Now, how would you feel at this point?"

"That's not fair boss, comparing women to a couple packs of cigs."

Ed shrugged. "Well, think about it a bit. Sometimes, when getting off of cravings, people will try to substitute something in its place…"

"What are you suggesting? That he's going to go after men now?"

"Watch your ass, Havoc!" waving merrily, Ed departed.

Havoc gulped. Suddenly, Mustang opened his door. "What are you doing?" he asked calmly.

Havoc ran screaming down the hallway, clutching his butt.

Roy Mustang stared.

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**AN: **please, don't ask, I have no idea where that came from either… I was supposed to write about… never mind. I'll do that next chapter. Hope it was enjoyable anyway! I guess you could call this a 'filler chapter'…


	5. Chapter 5

**Many thanks to: **fmafan-92, Dark Alchemist15, Feral Alchemist, Terris, and Psiren-Elric **for reviewing! You have no idea how much it makes me squeal to see that people care:)**

**CHAPTER 5**

For the next few months Roy Mustang's subordinates observed their commander getting more and more… twitchy. Distracted. They were worried that Mustang might become a fire hazard.

But then something happened, something so unexpected that no one had ever conceived of it actually happening. They were worried. Something was wrong.

The Colonel was smirking.

The Colonel was smug.

And Hawkeye looked faintly embarrassed.

Ed, Al, and Havoc cornered her outside the women's bathrooms. Well, actually, Ed and Havoc did the cornering, Al was just following his brother.

"Okay, spill it, what's up with Mustang?" Ed asked bluntly.

"Yeah, did he have an especially good cup of coffee this morning or something?" joined in Havoc. Then he muttered under his breath, "Gah, what kind of man gets his jollies off of COFFEE?"

Al's eyes widened, and anyone watching would swear he was blushing at that comment, armor or no. Strangely, Hawkeye was also looked like she was blushing faintly. "Brother," Al asked in a weary tone, "what are you doing to the Colonel?"

"Basically, we're depriving him of sex," Ed said, never one for subtlety.

Al choked, staring at his brother. "Why are you staring at me like that?" asked Ed irritably. Then his eyes widened too. "OH HELL NO! I DIDN'T MEAN FOR IT TO SOUND LIKE THAT!"

Off on the sidelines, Hawkeye was getting more and more embarrassed. Havoc finally called her on it. "Okay, what's going on with you?"

After a pause, Hawkeye drew herself up like she was facing the firing squad. "Gentlemen, I am afraid I have compromised our mission. I… had a moment of weakness…"

They gaped. Ed finally groaned. "Please, please tell me that you meant something else by that comment…"

Hawkeye's expression turned frosty. "I am NOT spelling it out for you." And with that, she turned around smartly and entered the women's bathroom.

Havoc and Ed turned towards each other, identical expressions of horror on their faces.

"Our revenge has been foiled!" wailed Havoc melodramatically.

"We thought, surely, of all women, Hawkeye would be able to resist…" Ed moaned. "Where did our plan go so wrong?"

"Um… I'm confused. What did Hawkeye do?" butted in Al.

"Al, where have you BEEN for the last few months?" asked Havoc curiously.

Al huffed. "Cleaning Ed's room."

A pause. "It took you that long?"

"Hey!" snapped Ed.

"Stop trying to change the subject!" demanded Al. "I want to know what's going on!"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes!"

"Frankly, Hawkeye gave in and had sex with Mustang last night."

Another long pause. "Firstly, don't tell me what you're doing anymore. I didn't need that mental image. Secondly, they're married, so it's none of our business what they're doing at home!"

However, it wasn't until a pale and shocked Hawkeye broke the news a couple weeks later that the plotting subordinates realized that their plan had backfired. Backfired so spectacularly that there was no real term for it.

The single word that Havoc said summed up everything that they were thinking.

"SHIT."

In other words, Hawkeye was pregnant.

**AN:** So now you know how Ed will be tortured for the rest of his life. BWAHAHAHA!


	6. Chapter 6

**Thank You: **Psiren-Elric, Feral Alchemist, MinuMiro, FireanIce, Sika Kuriyama, Lolafreak, Ninja-Rosette, and silver-dagger-113, **For Reviewing! You guys ROCK! **(more detailed comments at bottom.)

**AN:** Sorry for the delay! (I was ahem prohibited. :P If FFnet was a tangible entity, I'd shove a sharp pointy stick up their ass.) I had to think for a moment for an inspiration for a pregnant woman... At first I had Hawkeye just being her normally disciplined self, but temptation is too great. My inspiration was for when my Aunt Katie was pregnant, and how she treated her (now ex) boyfriend. :) Also, you all need to thank **ffsilverwolf**, a good friend of mine, who told me that I should do this chapter, not just skip it over. :P

**CHAPTER 6**

Over the next five months, the office observed Hawkeye. They noticed that unlike other women, she didn't get Extreme PMS and start killing everybody, for which everyone was thankful. As time went by, watchers could see Hawkeye getting larger and larger.

In addition, all the other women in Headquarters took an interest in her. At first, all the female officers, receptionists, clerks, etc., that had at one point fantasized about Roy Mustang hated Riza Hawkeye for 'nabbing him'. But, with a baby on the way, the Unified Women of HQ put aside their jealousy and converged on Hawkeye in a squealing mass of motherly instinct.

That in itself was enough for Hawkeye to go postal, but she endured. She endured the hormones, the random emotions, the urges to destroy all humanity. She put up with living with Roy, and she put up with having more and more difficulty doing everyday tasks. She still came to the office everyday, not even pausing to consider taking maternity leave. Simply, Riza Hawkeye REFUSED to become one of THOSE women who could not control a simple thing like hormones. Wimps.

But, however much she ignored it, Hawkeye did have hormones. And one day, they would break out of her iron control…

That day came around the middle of her sixth month.

Riza had started the day normally enough. Shove husband into office, check. Give husband today's paperwork, check. Give husband liberal amounts of coffee, check. Take magazine away from husband, check.

Flipping idly through the magazine, Riza found the coupons. Hm, coupons. Coupons were always good.

If she had bothered to pause for a moment, Riza would have noticed the danger signs right there. Since when did she care more about coupons then she did about paperwork?

Oblivious to the coming danger, she browsed. When she came upon a coupon for toilet paper, Riza Hawkeye felt a sudden uprising of emotion. Furious, and a little panicked, Hawkeye tried to keep it down. No way, no way, NO WAY was she going to give in! But, contrary to her wishes, Riza soon found herself crying. She couldn't believe it! How could she just start crying over NOTHING like that!

Very quickly, Riza found herself hysterically bawling. The noise brought Roy out of his office. Swiftly looking around for the commotion, he saw Riza and gaped. Rushing to her side, he knelt down and asked, concerned, "What's wrong?"

Riza brought her face up out of her hands and glared at Roy. This was all HIS fault! Hysterical sobbing soon gave way to murderous rage. "You…" she hissed.

Roy stiffened. He had no idea what was going on, but that didn't sound good.

"You… this is all YOUR FAULT!" Hawkeye screeched the last part at her husband's rapidly retreating backside, following him determinedly down the hallway. She would NOT let him get away from PUNISHMENT.

Meanwhile, Roy Mustang was running for his life, looking around for a good hiding place. A good enough hiding place that he wouldn't have to leave it for the next few months.

"ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOY!" Riza's hunting call rang through headquarters. His blood chilled, and he sped up. Apparently, he still wasn't going fast enough, because he FELT that bullet go past his head.

Later, by-standers swore that Mustang was running near the speed of light.

Careening around a corner, Mustang ran into, quite literally, Alphonse Elric. Needless to say, Al wasn't the one who ended up on the ground. However, Roy was in very good shape, still in his late twenties, and bounced back up right quick, feeling a spurt of hope.

He had found his hiding spot.

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**Psiren-Elric: **No, YOU don't know how ESTATIC I am every time I see that someone has reviewed/cries/ people actually care! Sorry about your older brother, they can be moronic creatures… must find way to sell mine off…

**Feral Alchemist/**munches cookie/ Thanks! Better than the food I normally eat:)

**MinuMiro: **Nope, fun's just started:) I guess I shouldn't really make claims on where my story's going, 'cause I mostly play it by ear. Makes it more fun that way.

**FireanIce: **You have no idea how often I do that! As long as my workload allows it, updates will continue…

**Sika Kuriyama: **Thanks! You compliment me so!

**Lolafreak: **WOW. That's the longest review I've ever gotten! Wow, just… wow. The compliments are raining down! It's like I tried to do the Rain Dance, screwed up and instead did the Compliment Dance, and you came down from the sky!

**Ninja-Rosette: **True dat, true dat. Heh, oh well, at least SOMEONE'S being tortured.

**silver-dagger-113: **Thanks! Glad you enjoyed it!


	7. Chapter 7

**DISCLAIMER: **The day I own FMA is the day that Santa Clause and the devil have a snowball fight in Hell.

**CHAPTER 7**

Riza Hawkeye was hot on her husband's heels. After she rounded a corner and saw no Roy, but instead a very nervous and embarrassed Alphonse Elric, she drew the logical conclusion. Let it never be said that Riza Hawkeye was stupid. Calmly drawing her gun, she aimed it squarely at Alphonse. "Hold it right there, sir."

Passing by in the hall at this time was Private Bob. Poor Bob happened to bored at the time, so he found this to be interesting. Since when was Alphonse Elric an officer? And, even if he WAS, why would Hawkeye hold him at gunpoint?

Al, of course, knew perfectly well what Hawkeye was talking about, but tried to play innocent. "Me, Lieutenant?" he asked, pointing to himself.

"No, not you, Alphonse. I'm talking to the person currently hiding inside that armor."

Bob decided at this point that Hawkeye was completely off her rocker—that or her pregnancy hormones had scrambled her brains. (little did Bob know that yes, Hawkeye's brains were Hormone Possessed, but that's beside the point.) How could there be ANOTHER person inside that armor?

"Don't even try to talk, sir, because the sound of your voice might send me over the edge, and I don't think that Alphonse would appreciate being shot at."

Bob agreed wholeheartedly. Forget Al, HE didn't want to get hit by the ricochets!

Sighing in defeat, AL moved as if to open his armor, then paused. "Um, Lieutenant Hawkeye…?"

"No, don't let him out here. In fact, you help me much more if you just keep him trapped in there for me. You WOULD like to help me, yes?" Hawkeye stroked her gun like it was a living creature and a beloved pet. Which, in her mind, it probably was. Scary thought.

Eyeballing her gun, Al gulped (metaphorically). "Of course, Lieutenant."

A muffled yell of "You Traitor!" could be heard from inside his armor.

Bob gaped. There WAS another person inside there! WHAT THE HELL!

Hawkeye's trigger finger looked like it was going into convulsions. "Don't talk to me sir!" she yelled. "My control could slip—and I'll kill you all! HEEYAHAHAHA!"

Studying Hawkeye's twitching eyebrows, trembling finger, and taking into consideration that she was a PREGNANT WOMAN who was LAUGHING MANIACALLY… Bob decided that a strategic retreat to the rear was in order. Bob turned tail and ran in the opposite direction screaming like a little girl.

Alphonse wanted to join Private Bob with all his heart and soul. However, there are just some things in this world that you don't disobey. One of these things, at least in her condition, is Riza Hawkeye.

She got her breathing under control and then stated, "Start walking towards the entrance, Alphonse. And don't let my husband out." As they were walking, Hawkeye said conversationally, "You see, while normally hiding inside your armor would be a great hiding spot, it could easily be turned into an inescapable trap. Thus, we find ourselves in this situation. In truth, Alphonse, I should be very grateful to you. This way, I have a method of getting Roy home without chasing him down and knocking him out."

Al's reply was slightly uncertain. "Um, you're welcome?"

They were just outside Headquarter's main gates when just behind them Ed came running up. "AL! Were have you been? I've been looking all over for you!" He skidded to a stop when he saw Hawkeye.

"Edward," she said. "I'm borrowing your brother's services. And," she added, a glint in her eye, "if you want to live, you will go and find Lieutenant Havoc, and both of you will join Al and I at the Colonel's house."

Ed didn't like the tone Hawkeye's voice had. He had a sudden bad feeling. Cautiously, because he didn't want her gun in his face, he said, "I don't know where you live…"

Hawkeye started marching down the street, Al in her wake. "It's not far, Edward. Just follow the screams."

**AN: **Yeah, I know, not much going on in this chapter… in Chapter 8 hopefully I'll get around to explaining where this is going to a small extent… I've got the beginning of 8 done… working on it. Technically, it SHOULD be done by now, but I've been working a lot recently. The workload's not letting up anytime soon, but I've been writing bits and pieces when I get my 15 min breaks… so I'll get that up soon as possible… Please be patient. :)


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